Who wears a wallet chain?!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
