You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
