I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
