he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
