there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
