everyone is single if you try hard enough
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
