if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
