so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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