i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
