I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
