My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
