why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
