i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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