she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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