I feel like I'm in dance class right now
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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