I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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