I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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