Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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