Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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