soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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