My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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