hotel room ftw
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
