He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
