Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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