i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
