I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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