I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
