phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
