yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
