He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
