the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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