dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
