the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
