Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
