I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
