I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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