Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
