Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
