Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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