You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
