I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
