my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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