I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
