my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
