I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish I only lived at night.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the liver wants what the liver wants
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I am available for nakedness
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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