Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
