no, he came in my armpit
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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