I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
