u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
