awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
false alarm, still single
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