There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i think i just lost a toe
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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