i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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