I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Pants are for mortals
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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