i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
