There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
